Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Wrath of Jahweh...

Dear Jahweh, I am so, so sorry about that finding the money and using it to buy lobster thing. I thought we were on the same page but this latest move on your part has really made me question that whole Jahweh unconditional love and acceptance of all his children thing that I thought we were seeing eye to eye on.

So what's with you man? The flat tire(s) weren't enough in your Book to make sure I renounced my rather small (and I thought pretty darn understandable under all the circumstances) lapse into "finders keepers" moral relativity? Like all that angst on my part means nothing to you? Like I didn't get the message? Was it that crack I made about the Apple iPad being a bullshit mind control device? Because today's move on your part is IMHO way out of line, I mean I guess there was a kind of arrogance and maybe even some grandiosity to my score keeping (up two lobsters, one bottle of wine, sushi quality tuna steak etc) but your move today was just plain mean spirited and uncalled for. What is with you man???

I really do not appreciate your having arranged to have my credit card information given to someone who felt they could use my credit card to go on a shopping spree, very funny!! Hah hah hah. I mean the first item, women's clothing at a store in California in the amount of $129.18, would have been enough to make me see the light (or as we sing at Pesach in your ancient language (pretty nice we keep that going for you don't you think - how about some credit?: " That Would Have Been Enough" a/k/a "Di-Ay-Nu" (Ei-li-ya-hu ha-na-vi, ei-li-ya-hu ha-tish-bi Ei-li-ya-hu, ei-li-ya-hu, ei-li-ya-hu, ha-gi-la-di. Bim-hei-ra vi-ya-may-nu, ya-vo ay-lei-nu eem ma-shi-ah ben da-vid, im ma-shi-ah ben da-vid. Di Ay Nu).

You have some weird sense of humor hombre! That Wal Mart store # 5131 (Arkansas, hardy har har) of $287 - Di ay nu, dude - enough! I am yours. But now you are getting like really over the top vengeful - Dell Computer ($687), Forever21.com ($482), Piperonline.com ($784) and then, like some great comedian in the sky, that last move - coming up with that almost burning bush like symbolism thing just to make sure I have no doubt - the $1,556.32 charge at of all places - Apple on-line!!! What am I Job????

So I am on my knees, can we now please call a truce? I have cancelled my credit card, called all the merchants. A total day of vacation wasted. OK, you happy? And by the way - what is that thing about having all this stuff your guy ordered on my credit card delivered to McKinney, Texas? And that thing where you made the local McKinney police say to me when I called that there really is nothing they can do because I am not in Texas. I mean I got the actual delivery address from that very sympathetic sale's girl at Forever21.com - what's up with that? A lesson about Man's-Inhumanity-to Man? (I already know all about that shit, Bro, trust me.)

You win, I will go back to the fishmonger tomorrow, I swear. I will bare my soul to him, confess my sins and try as hard as I can to find out who lost that lousy god-damned (sorry about that) $121 bucks I found in the parking lot that I wish to You I had never found in the first place.

-- Even Steven?

3 comments:

  1. I'm very into this whole "what kind of lemmons do i make when god gives me lemonade" thread... FYI (insomnia, not information) They used to feed so much lobster to east coast inmates in the late 1800s it was considered inhumane...I'm not sure what that puts into perspective, but it has to be something...

    Quote from new poem
    "my principal's name was A.A. Atwan (true)
    he tried to bully me
    "a good marine knows how to pack in his back pocket"
    and scruffed me by the grab of the neck
    so I stole the librium out of the bottom drawer of my remedial reading teacher's vanity"

    TS

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mckinney is a suburb just north of dallas if you want me to track them down and do some recon for you :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey great idea - make a video of your recon mission and we can post it on You Tube as "SALT TWO - ONCE ALEXIS CAME TO TOWN, MCKINNEY WAS NEVER THE SAME." You do have a little bit of an Angelina thing going on and people often say I remind them of Larry David - now that would be a casting match made in heaven.

    ReplyDelete

Followers

 
Add to Technorati Favorites