I know
a guy named Chester, a former business man, who had the good fortune to
be able to retire early and do almost anything he wanted. For reasons not even
clearly understood by Chester, what he has been doing for the last two years
is show up most mornings at the local Psychiatric Hospital to volunteer on the
in-patient substance abuse unit where patients (often admitted to the hospital
from a detox facility) spend their next 28 days (or less depending on
insurance) participating in a series of daily groups where they are taught
about the science of chemical dependence, coping skills, and the mental,
spiritual and social aspects of substance abuse by an experienced and dedicated
staff of addiction counselors, social workers, nurses, mental health workers
and psychiatrists, some of whom are in recovery themselves, some not, but all
of whom, for reasons of their own, show up everyday to provide advice, counsel,
inspire, educate, and house people who are fighting long odds in their battle
against addiction (sometimes referred to by the counselors as “committing suicide
on the installment plan”).
Mostly, Chester says, he just listens to the patients, one-on-one in the lounge or as
he accompanies them to the X-ray lab or to the resource room to use the
computer. Everyone likes to be heard and Chester is a good listener and many of
the patients like to be heard by Chester who one addict described as having
"yes eyes, a yes attitude and just being a yes kind of fellow". Most days that was enough motivation for Chester to get up and get to the
hospital by 8:30 AM when the staff meet at rounds to discuss the patients’ progress
and new admissions before the daily routine starts.
In
addition to talking to the patients, the staff occasionally let Chester
co-lead groups but most days he sits in groups and just listens. And by
listening Chester tries to soak in all he hears from the staff and the addicts.
Chester has also read a fair amount about addiction, not so much reading
addiction medical articles but more the literature of addiction; memoirs,
biography, novels, movies and poems.
On those day that that Chester does co-lead a group he usually focuses on certain addiction themes like "denial", "triggers"
("people places and things"), "the 12 Steps" and
"coping skills". But Chester recently sent me a copy of his notes for
a group that he occasionally leads that is a little different - what he calls Chester's Last Group. Chester will
tell you that almost none of what he wrote are his words, most he says come
from things he has learned or heard from the staff, from addicts and from
the writers and poets from whom he has, without attribution, stolen liberally because Chester thinks they say it better than he can. Whether these are
his words or not, Chester says this sums up a lot of how he sees addicts and
addiction. I think it says a lot about how I see Chester. Here it is:
"On a recent Saturday I wrote down what I thought I might
say to you if I was only going to lead one more group, sort of a
"Chester's Last Group" – what I would want to say to you if I had
only one chance to say anything.
First one caveat, if I offend anyone, I apologize. I mean no
offense but I have to say some truths and, cliche as it is, sometimes the truth
does hurt.
So here is the first truth, a lot of you, maybe all of you, have
a lot of really good reasons to drink and drug and you also have a lot of
really good excuses not to get sober. All really good reasons and good,
compelling excuses, maybe even good explanations for why you use BUT, good as
those reasons are none of them are valid. They are all just reasons to get high
and to keep getting high. So if you want one take away from this
lecture remember two words - no excuses. Say it to yourself often and when
you least believe it. No excuses.
What you came to rehab to learn and what we spend days and
sometimes weeks doing with you here and then you can spend months or years more
when you leave is not about how to find the courage to beat your addiction.
Courage you all already have, way beyond anything non-addicted civilians can
ever understand – because you have the kind of courage and fuck
you-ness it takes to be an addict. But as brave as each of you are,
your disease will kill you and before you die it will make you suffer and along
the way you will hurt everyone who ever loved you.
There is this thing that is standing in your way. And I am not
alone in knowing this, every counselor, case worker, doctor, nurse and mental
health worker here sees it – right now your disease, even as you sit
here, is standing behind you clamping two giant hands on your shoulders
whispering to your neck “it does not matter what he says, you only listen to
me”.
And to varying degrees each of you will try to figure out why
you use drugs, and you will focus on your complaints, cravings, resentments and
terrors and think about how you both want to get sober and at the same time
don’t and how you love the very thing that is killing you.
But everyone of you, if you are honest, already know that you can no longer
live a life with drugs even as you cannot imagine a life without drugs.
But, pared down to the bone, none of that matters nearly as much
as simply not putting chemicals into your body.
And please do not think I am giving you moral advice or that I am
telling you what to do or that I even expect that you can do it because it is
not easy to do. It is hard, it takes real effort and some days you will not be
able to do it. That is part of the process. But there will come a day when, as
cold or as disappointed as you may be, even hungry, or when you drop the
grocery bag on the sidewalk, or the coffee spills on your sweater at 7:00 AM on
your way to look for yet another job that you probably will not get or you want
to hit someone, that - if you do not pick up and put a chemical in
your body -you will be gripped by a cherishing so deep for the fact that you
are a grateful recovering addict that it will leave you speechless.
Of course this is not likely to happen from your having listened
to me today. That is why you will keep attending more groups, and do all that
is expected of you here. And that is what you should do. But I also want you to
know that it is not impossible that when you are discharged you can walk out of
here knowing that you have another option.
What you need to know is that your life is not only important, it is sacred. You are on fire with the same force that lights the stars. Not that I have any idea what actually lights the stars but it does not matter because there is only one true thing that matters here and now – and that is that if the day you leave here you do not use chemicals, the next day will look better. It will not be paradise, it will be hard, it will be scary but the fact is that if you do not use drugs or alcohol, tomorrow will look very different than today.
I know that this may just sound like some sort of total bullshit
and you can think of it that way if you want. But as far as I can tell it is
the truth. None of this is about morality, or religion, or dogma, or big fancy
questions of life after death or whether God exists or not. This is about life
BEFORE death. It is about making it to 30, or maybe 50, it is about
not ending up in jail or in an institution. It is
about the simple truth of what is so real and essential and so
hidden in plain sight for you to see that you have to keep reminding yourself
of it over and over one day at a time.
My name is Chester and I am a volunteer at this rehab.
Thank you for letting me share."
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