Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Alexithymia



Alexithymia is a term coined by psychotherapist Peter Sifneos in 1973 to describe a state of deficiency in understanding, processing, or describing emotions. The word comes from the  Ancient Greek literally meaning "without words for emotions".
Alexithymia is defined by:
  1. difficulty identifying feelings and distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations of emotional arousal
  2. difficulty describing feelings to other people
  3. constricted imaginal processes, as evidenced by a scarcity of fantasies
  4. a stimulus-bound, externally oriented cognitive style.


The alexithymia construct is strongly inversely related to the concepts of psychological mindedness and emotional intelligence.

Here's a video with lyrics to the song "Alexithymia" by the band Anberlin.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

This I Know For A Fact...

I recently met a young woman who is 31 years old, a mother of 8 year old twin boys one of whom died four months ago due to an accident. Since the accident the woman has been taking ever increasing, excessive amounts of anti anxiety meds and drinking alcohol heavily. Got to the point of a psychotic depression, voices telling her about friends that are evil and God assuring her she did nothing wrong.  Amazingly sad and, as is the case with a despairingly high percentage of addicts and mentally ill, not likely to end easily or well. Sometimes there is justice, sometimes there is mercy, sometimes there is neither.  As an aside, I want to add that she has a noticeably dignified countenance, a kind of sparkle and smile that would be described in anyone else as attractive but under her circumstances seems regal.

Here is an observation: There are lots of reasons people use drugs but all those reasons can be put into two categories -  to increase pleasure or to avoid pain. And pain and pleasure can be sub divided into three categories: physical, emotional and spiritual.

Substances can enhance pleasure and diminish pain and the vast majority of humans use chemicals (like alcohol) in moderation and are able to control their use and for them moderate ingestion helps them relax, take the edge off,  make them a little looser socially, feel more creative and connected, lessen pain etc.  - all with no negative consequences. But there are a percentage of humans who, for whatever reason, cannot control their use. (By the way, while pleasure is a common reason to use chemicals it seems to me that most addicts use chemicals primarily to lessen pain (whether because addicts'  pain is greater than most people can bear (as is the case of the woman I mentioned above who lost her son, or because addicts are more sensitive to or have some sort of diminished capacity to tolerate pain, I do not know). Those people become hooked and after a while use not to get high but just not to feel sick.  Their  lives are taken over by a compulsion that will, unless stopped, eventually kill them and before they die will make them and everyone who loves them suffer horribly.  They can be helped. (I know this for a fact). And if they get sober I believe they (and those who love them) often appreciate their sobriety and are grateful for the everyday in ways that are, not for nothing, described as miraculous (I know this for a fact as well).  

Saturday, April 21, 2012

4/20 (National Boredom Day)

Since yesterday was 4/20 which is National Marijuana Day, a (in my opinion) misguided and naive celebration of escape disguised as some sort of libertarian statement about choice, I thought I would use the occasion to suggest that 4/20 be renamed National Boredom Day. I am not going to get into a discussion of controlled use of pot, or alcohol or other drugs or whether pot is a gateway drug that can lead to addiction. But I am going to think about hard core addiction...

Addicts who relapse frequently sometimes seem superficially better than the last relapse but their motivation for trying to get clean again is often more for a break from the mess of their lives rather than to lose the habit. Rarely does a relapsing addict have a sober network and the answer is a common one: "same friends but they support me" which I take to mean "same old drinking and drugging crowd who I need a break from every once in a while and then when I feel like getting high again welcome me back with open arms". In contrast are those in recovery who have lost the old friends and connected with new sober friends. They may still have  a reservation to use in the future but they have the tools to avoid picking up again.

So this got me thinking. How about:  "Banish the Boredom - I love getting high so why am I trying to get clean and what in the world am I going to devote my life to instead?"  Addicts like getting high, addiction and the life is their entire world, their primary relationship is with their drink or drug - they love Mr. or Mrs. Smirnoff (or whatever their drug is) more than anyone. (Addicts, like any parent, love their kids and they (just like non-addict parents say and sincerely believe) that they would take a bullet for their kids but the active addict parent, sadly, is the bullet. But the parent in recovery gives their child the incredible gift of real pride). So to just take the drugs and the life style away without some other sense of purpose or meaning is not likely to work. On the other hand, each day clean brings gratitude and a sense of accomplishment and a discovery that (and this may be a spiritual idea) being ordinary is extraordinary. (Not sure about any of that but it seems right). 

I think, at least initially, recovery often begins by filling the newly created void with a commitment to sobriety, a new -  selfish -  full time job (maintaining sobriety)  - the hub of the bicycle wheel, the center of a sober network. (I use the word selfish intentionally because it is one of the skills addicts bring to the table. Getting high is about as selfish an activity as there is. Also about as self destructive. So channelling that selfishness towards putting sobriety first even if that means not doing what family, friends, job, etc. want or expect (rebelliousness is another common trait so not doing what is expected can also come in handy if channelled) seems like a positive redirection of inherent abilities. 

I am often struck by how bored addicts seem in between highs. Here they are fighting for their lives and yet they seem like they could care less, just get through the down time until they can get high again. I think that goes to a big issue - life is boring  - especially to selfish, stimulation craving, self centered humans who are in physical and/or emotional pain (i.e., most people - which is, in part, why I think drugs and drinking are so prevalent). Maybe Nancy Reagan was not entirely wrong when she said "Just Say No" but that seems like a result not a solution. Maybe it's more about "Banish the Boredom". 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Let Us Now Praise Famous Men - Rev. Dean Brackley

Rev. Dean Brackley, 65, Dies; Served in El Salvador

The Rev. Dean Brackley belonged to an order of priests, the Jesuits, sometimes referred to as “God’s Marines,” because of a 16th-century founder’s military background and because of their long tradition of intellectual rigor as teachers and missionaries.

Father Brackley, who died on Oct. 16 in El Salvador, imbued that nickname with some literal meaning in 1990, when he left a teaching job at Fordham University to take up residence in the San Salvador university dormitory where six Jesuit priests and two women had recently been killed by government military forces.

He admitted to being scared. But the job description for replacements of the slain priests, all of them faculty members at the Universidad Centroamericana, seemed to have his name on it: “They wanted a Jesuit. They wanted someone who had a Ph.D. in theology. They wanted someone who spoke Spanish,” he told a friend. “I started looking around and realized there weren’t that many of us.” He said he would return in four or five years.

Father Brackley remained in the job for the rest of his life. A spokesman for the university said the cause of death was pancreatic cancer. He was 65.

His decision to go to El Salvador was not the first time Father Brackley had taken the road less traveled. In 1980, after completing his doctorate in theology at the University of Chicago, he had several teaching offers from colleges around the country, said the Rev. Neil Connolly, pastor of St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Manhattan and a longtime friend.

Instead, Father Brackley took a job with a church-sponsored community organization in New York called South Bronx People for Change, where he worked with drug addicts, helped tenants organize and acted as a go-between in tensions between residents and the police.

He had been there almost 10 years — and begun riding his bicycle to Fordham University to teach ethics and theology classes — when the six Jesuits, their housekeeper and her 16-year-old daughter were killed on Nov. 16, 1989.

Inquiries determined that the killings were carried out during an extended battle between left-wing insurgents and government forces, part of the country’s decade-long civil war. American-trained government soldiers, who considered the Jesuits leftist sympathizers, dragged the six priests from their beds in the university dorm, ordered them to lie on the ground outside, shot them in the head and then killed the women as potential witnesses. Nine soldiers were charged, but only two were convicted in connection with the executions; both were released in a general amnesty in 1993.

When Father Brackley told friends that he was asking the Jesuit order to send him as a replacement, Father Connolly remembers flinching.

“We didn’t exactly ask him not to go,” he said. “We just said, ‘Gee, Dean, you could do an awful lot of good right here. Why not stay?’ ”

“Father Brackley said ‘he felt called to continue the work’ of those slain,” Father Connelly said, though he told a New York Newsday columnist in 1990 that in some ways he was torn: “My body began to factor it in before my head — I found my knees shaking, without really knowing why.”

He was joined by five other Jesuit priest volunteers at the campus residence in El Salvador, including one other American, the Rev. Charles J. Beirne, an academic administrator who later became president of LeMoyne College in Syracuse. Father Beirne died last year.

Joseph Dean Brackley Jr. was born on Aug. 9, 1946, in Wynantskill, in upstate New York, the oldest of four children of J. Dean and Inez Brackley. He was ordained in 1976. He is survived by his mother; two brothers, Douglas, of Glen Burnie, Md., and Richard, of Mechanicsville, Va.; and a sister, Jane Davis of Brentwood, Tenn.

Father Brackley wrote frequently for the Jesuit weekly magazine America and wrote two books about Catholic theology and priestly discernment while teaching at the university in San Salvador and ministering to a rural parish about 50 miles away.

In the months immediately after the massacre, government soldiers were frequently stationed at the campus, ostensibly as guards. Their presence created an atmosphere of apprehension more than safety, Father Brackley told friends. But as it turned out, the killings had marked a turning point in the war, attracting worldwide attention and Congressional investigations. A peace accord was signed in 1992.

Throughout the 1990s, Father Brackley was the unofficial Jesuit greeter for waves of official and unofficial delegations of visitors to the killing site. Representative Jim McGovern, Democrat of Massachusetts, was then a staff investigator for Representative Joe Moakley of South Boston, who was chairman of one of the House investigating committees.

“It was a very dangerous time, emotions on all sides were very high, and Dean brought this peacefulness to the situation. He would greet the delegations and tell them the history of the war and the story of what happened at the UCA,” he said, referring to the university.

Every tour concluded with a viewing of the eight rose bushes planted in memory of the victims, and an introduction to the man who tended them, the father and husband of the two women killed.

Eugene Palumbo contributed reporting from San Salvador.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I see my own face in the glass...

A passage from a brief essay, entitled "Spoiled Love" by Jenny Spinner describing visiting her sister (who had become addicted to alcohol and drugs while working as a reporter in Iraq covering the war) in the detox ward:

"We have been hurtling toward this moment for the last two years as my sister struggled with booze and the pills they gave her to drive away the demons. In the last two years, I’ve been to other cold places I never imagined, said things I never thought I’d say, felt things I never thought I’d feel. As I sit there, a man with black hair and ghost skin creeps toward the glass on my right. I turn to him and we both look through each other for several moments before someone tugs him away. In the space where he has been I see my own face in the glass. I shrink from myself, from the anger and disgust in my eyes, from the love and fear that has turned my visage grim, from my lips clenched in a familiar, thin line."

Jenny Spinner is an assistant professor of English at Saint Joseph's University in Philadelphia where she teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. Her writing has appeared in Fourth Genre, Writing on the Edge, Mid-American Review, and on NPR's All Things Considered, among others. She is co-author of Tell Them I Didn't Cry (Scribner's, 2006). Her sister is alive and well and back working in Iraq.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

God numbers each one of our tears...

I received this note from an anonymous friend who has a kid struggling with addiction. Like so many, she wonders how did she get here and where will it lead. I know her (my friend) pretty well and am certain that she will stay the course. Her son has taught her the value of that ...


"I am so sad to tell you all that, after 9 months, my 17 year old son is no longer in Rehab. He left yesterday after struggling since the holidays. In recent weeks, he just has been unwilling or unable to comply with the program. I believe the staff has done everything they could to help him, but as we all know, we just cannot make the choices for our children. So they asked him to leave.

This time in Rehab has not been a failure— our son has grown and learned and matured, and takes away with him a great deal that I hope will help him in the years to come. And I have learned so much in the time he has been there, that will equip me to face the future with this child. I am grateful for that, too.

This is all so sad for me as his parent and I feel this loss very keenly. Another loss in years of losses. But God numbers each one of our tears. And despite this setback, I feel that I am still a part of a community, united with other parents who are going through these very difficult experiences with our children. I will continue to share what I have learned, in the hopes that it will support and encourage others, as other parents have supported and encouraged me.

My self sustaining mantra is: hang in there, stay the course, never give up hope."

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A long 2003 interview with David Foster Wallace

If you are interested in David Foster Wallace you might want to click on the title of this post to be taken to a 1 hour and 24 minute (charming and generous) interview he gave for German TV in 2003 (when he was 40). I had not seen this interview before. If I had to say what the interview is about I'd say - growing up.

He frequently and self-effacingly refers to his inability to articulate the complexity of what he is trying to discuss as if he is trying to say something that he cannot express better no matter how smart and well said? As he says, in a novel you are coming as close to experiencing the mind of another person as you can get - like playing music with someone. In conversation (especially interviews for media) less so.

There are some interesting interactions with the interviewer that are worth tuning into. You can jump around the video or watch it straight through. The highlights for me were:

1) types of humor (black, escapist, transfiguring). He comes right out of the box talking about Wittgenstein and jokes.

2) irony - "the song of a bird that has come to love its cage" (3:05)

3) class and culture (5:07)

4) Addiction as a form of devotion and how we are all devoted to something be it, drugs, money, pleasure, achievement, - the belief that one's purpose in life is to gratify our own desires. (7:25)

5) at 10:15 there is a break in the action and the cameraman says he is pontificating and then zooms in on his face - it is interesting.

6) the nature of happiness and freedom of choice as a kind of slavery (19:05)

7) the dread of being alone (and bored) (30:00)

8) the allure of drugs (40:00)

9) entertainment (45:00)

10) why he gives interviews and who his readers are (1 hour 2 mins)

11) higher education, work and jobs (1 hour 9 mins)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Hi, My Name Is Craig...

Craig Ferguson, late night tv comedian, is a very talented guy. He improvises, he is funny and he is authentic (his interviews are often really interesting). This 12 minute unexpected monologue is well worth staying with (in my opinion). His speech takes some unexpected turns fueled by insight that really got to me and ends in simple brilliance of the sort I have seen before - in other people who I also admire for their courage.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Really Beautiful and Haunting and Interesting (to me) Song of the Every Other Day.

By Manchester Orchestra...

Give it a couple of listens... (lot of ways to think about it...)



(Thank you to The Reader's Quill).

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