First one caveat, if I offend anyone, I apologize. I mean no
offense but I have to say some truths and, cliche as it is, sometimes the truth
does hurt.
So here is the first truth, a lot of you, maybe all of you, have
a lot of really good reasons to drink and drug and you also have a lot of
really good excuses not to get sober. All really good reasons and good,
compelling excuses, maybe even good explanations for why you use BUT, good as
those reasons are none of them are valid. They are all just reasons to get high
and to keep getting high. So if
you want one take away from this lecture remember two words - no excuses.
Say it to yourself often and when you least believe it. No excuses.
What you came to rehab to learn and what we spend days and
sometimes weeks doing with you here and then you can spend months or years more
when you leave is not about how to find the courage to beat your addiction.
Courage you all already have, way beyond anything non-addicted civilians can
ever understand – because you have the kind of courage and fuck you-ness it takes to be an addict.
But as brave as each of you are, your disease will kill you and before
you die it will make you suffer and along the way you will hurt everyone who
ever loved you.
There is this thing that is standing in your way. And I am not
alone in knowing this, every counselor, case worker, doctor, nurse and mental
health worker here sees it – right
now your disease, even as you sit here, is standing behind you clamping two
giant hands on your shoulders whispering to your neck “it does not matter what
he says, you only listen to me”.
And that whisper is too often louder than what we tell you in
rehab – that is why we do not tell you as simply, directly and as pared to the
bone as what I am telling you now. Instead we run about 7 groups a day and give you assignments and spend
a lot of time trying to give you important tools to help you stay sober when
you leave here. Kind of trying to
get around your disease because we don’t usually get through if we just go
straight up the middle. Those tools are important, you need them and with
repetition and practice those tools will work for some of you. But some of you
will sit around and chain smoke cigarettes (or think about chain smoking
cigarettes) and drive yourselves
crazy trying to figure out why you use drugs, or you will focus on your
complaints, cravings, resentments and terrors and you will spend a lot of time
here thinking about how you both want to get sober and at the same time don't
and about how you love the very thing that is killing you.
If you are honest, you already know that you can no longer live
a life with drugs and, at the same time, you cannot imagine a life without
drugs.
But none of that matters nearly as much as simply not putting
chemicals into your body.
And please do not think I am giving you moral advice or that I
am telling you what to do or that I even expect that you can do it because it
is not easy to do. It is hard, it takes real effort and some days you will not
be able to do it. That is part of the process. But there will come a day when,
as cold or as disappointed as you may be, even hungry, or when you drop the
grocery bag on the sidewalk, or the coffee spills on your sweater at 7:00 AM on
your way to look for yet another job that you probably will not get or you want
to hit someone, that - if you do
not pick up and put a chemical in your body -you will be gripped by a
cherishing so deep for the fact that you are a grateful recovering addict that
it will leave you speechless.
Of course this is not likely to happen from your having listened
to me today. That is why you will keep attending more groups, and do all that
is expected of you here. And that is what you should do. But I also want you to
know that it is not impossible that when you are discharged you can walk out of
here knowing that you have another option.
Staying clean requires daily attention,
and awareness, and discipline, and effort, in myriad petty, little, boring,
unsexy ways. It means going to a program of some kind, be it out patient or a
l2-Step program. You have to work your program every day, get a home
group, get a sponsor or a therapist
and tell him or her the truth, pray for help whether you believe in God
or not, get phone numbers of sober people and call them, make sober friends and
develop a sober network and lose the old friends. That is how you will get sober
and stay sober.
What you need to know is that your life is not only important,
it is sacred. You are on fire with the same force that lights the stars. Not
that I have any idea what actually lights the stars but it does not matter
because there is only one true thing that matters here and now – and that is
that if the day you leave here you do not use chemicals, the next day will look
better. It will not be paradise, it will be hard, it will be scary but the fact
is that if you do not use drugs or alcohol, tomorrow will look very
different than today.
I know that this may just sound like some
sort of total bullshit and you can think of it that way if you want. But as far
as I can tell it is the truth. None of this is about morality, or religion, or
dogma, or big fancy questions of life after death or whether God exists or not.
This is about life BEFORE death. It is about making it to 30, or maybe 50, it
is about not ending up in jail or
in an institution. It is
about the simple truth of what is
so real and essential and so hidden in plain sight for you to see that you have
to keep reminding yourself of it over and over one day at a time.
My name is Steve and I am a Rehab volunteer. Thank you for
letting me share.